Archive | October 2015

Hormone Dialogues

I am a normal man, with normal intelligence and normal drives. I have always thought that I was aware of most things around me. I am a combat vet, that alone will teach you to be aware. But, it has taken me until the age of almost Seventy-Five to become aware of the greatest discourse in the world.

It is a discourse as old as humanity itself, The Hormone Dialogues!

In about 2001 or 2002, my lovely wife and partner and I took a little drive down to Mustang Island, off the coast of Corpus Christie, TX. It was rutting season for the species known as Homo-Sapien. The herds had gathered here, the males to attract the females and to fight for the leadership of the herds. The females were here, at their seductive best, each posturing to show off their best attributes.

Two lines of automobiles lined the beach, barely twenty feet apart, the males were on one side, the females on the other. The young males danced the dance of strength and agility, to show the females that their off-spring would be strong and healthy, they tried not to spend a lot of time with showing intelligence, it isn’t a breeding point. The females, postured and pranced so the males would recognize a lively mate, and a body that would be fun to create offspring with. If one looked closely, one could almost see the mist of hormones that mixed and mingled between the two rows of automobiles, whipping the two parties into a mating frenzy.

Wait, does that sound two harsh?

To explain this rather caustic expression of young love, ugh, that is the word that is used for it isn’t it. Well, I am not going to use it, and some of my female readers may become angry at me, because of it. I will risk that, and try to put things in the proper perspective.

I met my first “attraction” in 1956, on our Senior trip, I fell in (_____), so as to not offend anyone. we were friendly, we rode together on the bus, I was enamored, my scrawny little chest swelled and presented all my best assets, I did everything but flap my wings and crow. Two days later she couldn’t even see me, she met Frankie (she had only known him for the four years in high school) but suddenly there he was, and I wasn’t. (I always wondered, if he had crowed.)

My trip was ruined, I went home dejected, and morose, for a least three or four days. It wasn’t too long before I met another chick__! Oops, I mean, another young lady. she was younger than I and less experienced, so I was able to impress her more easily. I strutted, and I clucked, and I circled and puffed out my chest, I even flapped my wings and crowed, and hallelujah, she fell under my spell, she was a fine specimen, all the finer attributes to keep my attraction to her. Life was good. But enough of that.

I want to change my direction, let’s talk about attraction and how the different sides go about it. The male is primarily a visual predator, no scratch that, much to harsh, just put that word out of your mind. The male in his hunt for his mate, at first relies primarily on visual observation. he spots the young female, no he doesn’t look into her eyes, and fall in , (we won’t use that word). He looks at whatever part of her body he is most attracted to, legs, breasts, buttocks, a pretty face is nice, and hair, although for breeding purposes it isn’t necessary, it makes for a nice package.

Ok now, lets take the male of the species first, I know, I know, it is supposed to be ladies first, but look at it this way, I am saving the best for last, “grin”. what does the male do to attract the female? lets try dressing, no, this not for the GQ- Playboy bachelor. this for the everyday guy on the street, the dude at the bar. This may be a short paragraph. Answer, maybe a tightly fitted shirt, with probably bare arms, and open at the neck, to show his manly chest. I’m stumped, anything I missed ladies. God I hope you don’t say buckle his belt below his butt, and leave his boxers showing, please don’t say that. Most of the ladies I have spoken to, don’t seem to mind as long as he is wearing something neat and clean, and he doesn’t smell bad. Oops, those last two words go into another category, so just forget them. Now, if the lady is a career woman and working uptown, she may just pay attention to what kind of suit he is wearing, and is that Rolex real. But that doesn’t have anything to do with attraction from dress. that is attraction that he might be able to keep her in good style. So with the guys, as long as you keep it simple, you are probably in good standing, providing the other ninety things that the female may look for is right. What, you say, the other how many things. Guys, we may never know for sure.

A few short words about the aforementioned smell. throughout the history of mankind, perfumers have tried to create smells that enhance the attraction of the opposite gender. Some of them do and some of them don’t. they are as complex as the individuals that smell them, yes smell them not wear them. So be very careful, what may smell good to you might not smell good to that new male or female you might be interested in right now, test ’em before you wear ’em. I also believe that the smell of a clean healthy body, is the most attractive, however, that being said, I have heard others say the opposite, so I suppose to each his own, what ever discourse is the most stimulative.

OK, the female dressing situation. We must limit this somewhat, this supposed to be 2500 words or less, we could do 5000 on this alone.

First, what attracts the guy to the girl clothes wise. It depends, if it is to take her to have dinner with his folks, or if it is 2AM and the bar is closing. See, I told you this was complex.

I like most men, have grown up being an avid girl watcher. So based on about 60 years of experience, i have come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what the female body is adorned with. I hear a loud clamor. OK, so you say, “come on man, you know you like to see those short skirts, or those tight jeans”! Well, maybe, as long as the girl looks good in them, if the girl has half a sack of sand hanging over the top of the tight jeans, or if too much is showing beneath those shorts, or skirt, naw, change into something a little more comfortable, maybe hide a pound of flesh, and show me some personality, or a creative character.. Ok you say, “cleavage, that is what will get him”! Maybe if the too-toos are firm, well defined, and lend well to being displayed like ripe cantaloupes at the produce counter, at Kroger. But, like any other asset, they too must be a tasteful,( I didn’t really say that did I?) part of the entire package. Remember, I have participated in the Renaissance Festival world for twenty-five years, I have seen lots of cleavage. And a lot of it made me cringe.

I watch young girls especially, try to display way to much skin for the amount of experience they have in life. And it concerns me. Who has told them this is the way to attract the right kind of male counterparts. Shorts so short as to leave part of the buttocks bare, and so low in front as to reveal Pubic Hair, if they have any. You will see them in public places, usually in clusters of three or four. They will be talking among themselves, and looking around, while striking poses that the body wouldn’t naturally get into unless they were models, being paid a hundred dollar per hour to look that way. And seemingly looking as they are totally unaware of the whole thing. I always wonder, how many hours they had to spend to perfect these actions, and what better things they might have been doing instead.

Young ladies, it isn’t necessary, the guys will love you anyway, just sit down and smile, and pretend to be interested in them, that’s all it takes. Get a good education, be smart, be capable, keep yourself fit, and healthy, guys will be swarming over you. I am afraid to speak on dressing any more than this, I don’t want an angry mob of ladies beating down my door.

Ok, change of subject, ladies what is it with this fad of talking about three inches in front of your tonsils, especially the word “Yeah”. It seemed to start sometime about fifteen, maybe twenty years ago. It could be longer, get much past that I probably had too many hormones of my own to notice. Girls have beautiful voices of their own, and just talking to a young lady about everyday things, was always a turn -on for me. That didn’t have to gag themselves while talking to make their voices sound sexy.

Ok, back to the Young males, I say young, cause nobody seems to be interested in the old ones. What happened with you young men, that made you decide that you need to look as if you were pulled from a dumpster, to think that made you look sexy. # 1, gym shoes for every occasion. Hair, if combed, combed in the strangest manner, or cut in an even stranger manner. Yeah, how about a spiked Mohawk, yeah, how about a spiked Mohawk, I would say it again but it doesn’t sound any better, wouldn’t look any better either. Yeah, yeah, I know, it’s the fashion of the times, it being an individual, it is being me, unlike anyone else. Ok, then how come I will see fifty of you at a concert. Oh, somebody told them that too, huh! Maybe you should check your fashion adviser.

But all these, things we have spoke of in this narrative, are things we notice at arms length. What happens when we are no longer at arms length? What happens when we are a boy and girl and we are alone? When we sit down to talk, what do we say to that opposite, sitting across on the other chair, across the table looking dreamily at you with soft alluring eyes, wait a minute slow down. What do we say, ” hey babe, me and some of the dudes knocked some heads to gather this afternoon, hey wanna go somewhere and make out.” Maybe, it might work! But if it does are you sure this is the mate, you want to rear your offspring. Probably not, unless you would like to see her on the six o’clock news on Channel 2 under the headlines, “Woman drives into Mississippi River with her 6 children”. We must learn to be selective in our hormone dialogues. Remember we are thinking beings, we are not “allegedly” of the baser groups of animals, although there may be some conjecture about this.

Females of our species, you do have the guiding hand, so I place the mantle of leadership on you. don’t waste your time, strutting and preening like any one of the bird or animal world. use your intelligence to select the proper mate, one that when the testosterone no longer rules your mate, that you will still have your mate. Remember, if you base it all on the more hormonal of your instincts, your relationships might well wind up like some of the more popular stars of our world, a certain Kim K. comes to mind, but there are many others that would leave you dazed and confused trying to keep up with the tangle of their love-life. If that is what you want to call it. Of course you may well want that, and crave that excitement in your life, if so, then far be me to stand in your way. Then the hormone dialogues may well turn into “The Hormone Discourses,” and you will have an album to carry through your life.

Up until now, we have focused on the young members of our species, both male and female. We have began in this manner because life begins with the young, and the creative force is for the most part, kept in their jurisdiction. And however the dance of love is danced, and however the game of love is played, the future of our world is in their hands. As older members of our species, we may advise, and teach, and try not to look back at the past, at the perhaps sometimes foolishness of our own dialogues, with perspective mates. we must understand these are powerful forces, that humans must deal with in their lives. And because of the complexities of our minds, the search for mates, is a bit different in all of us. And well it should be. It would be sheer madness, if we all wanted the same female, or the same male. However if that was the case, we wouldn’t be burdened with over-population at this point.

But what happens when we age, what happens when we grow old. What happens when those Hormone dialogues cease to be chatter, and slow to an occasional word, then maybe stop forever. Does life end at that point, Nay, I say it just begins. suddenly you are free. Free to use that most powerful of your resources, your brain. No more toxic hormones to cloud your thoughts, no more overpowering urges to distract you from creative tasks. A new you is born, hopefully you have kept your body healthy and strong, to aid you in all these new tasks, now you are free to enjoy life, as probably you may never have thought possible. You may find yourself looking at your mate in a total new light. He or she may have transformed into a intelligent, caring individual, that fans a new flame of love in your heart, that is not fed by the fuel of the Hormone Dialogues.